I'm feeling somewhat down. I started off the day waking up around 8AM, got up, grabbed pop tarts, plopped on the couch and watched some documentary-style television shows. I washed a few dishes (just the plates and bowls), but still I felt relatively useless. I attempted to make dinner last night, too, which DH ended up finishing because I started to get hot flashes/cold sweats again and it was getting difficult to stand or breathe. It's especially exhausting to eat, now, especially sitting up at the dinner table. Ugh. I'm already so damn tired of having to sit on my bum all day. Torward bedtime, I started a tummy ache so bad that I started whining. It was the tater cakes... too much grease. Definately will be eating healthier to appease my tumms.
Full of regret. I whole heartedly blame myself for my medical condition/s up to this point. I should've, but I didn't, go get things checked out earlier. I could've gotten BCP, a D&C, whatever would've been necessary, but I let it go for so long... now N will never truely have the opportunity to have biological children, which he does desire, but doesn't say. It's sometimes hard for me to accept that we won't have bio children, but it never meant so much before the option was taken away, and I constantly have to remind myself of that. I always wanted to adopt. I started researching when I was 17 or 18. It's always been on my mind. It's something that when DH and I even started our phone conversations we talked about... before even meeting. **You always want most what you can't have** right? Yes.
To some degree I want to be a lesson for other people, an example of what can happen if you don't take care of yourself and in a timely manner. On the other hand, I don't want to be *just* that. More than anything I want to be a mother. A good mother. A good sister. A good wife. <3
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