Underlined.

I'm wondering what it is that God has planned for me, if anything at all. The last week has been especially hard. Thinking about how much I've always wanted a large family and now not being able to have that. Physically and financially we cannot reproduce. Everything seems so unfair. Some can procreate like bunnies and we're left as potentially wonderful parents without children. I just want to know what I've done wrong. Or who I've wronged to deserve this horrible longing, knowing there's no light at the end of this journey. Will we forever be childless? I want to go back to bed and not feel anything. Sleep there until I wake up in some dream world where I have what I want. I can't stand this feeling. Longing. Wanting. Everything is so far away. There are no answers. No easy ones. No hard ones. Just no answers. How is that possible? What the hell am I doing? 

Adoption, manic, boredom, stress, sadness, insanity.

Life:
Hubby and I received the papers from the county to become foster/adoptive parents on Friday. This really threw me into ME NEED BABY mode... Especially from Ethiopia. I kept doing research, as I have since I was 17, and the more I found, the more I got upset and just saddened by the fact that we are struggling financially, we don't own a home... hell, I can't even work right now. Not only that, but I'm having issues with my manic depression and meds. What a great time to introduce a new child to the family? No. Sigh. What I really need right now is to be strong enough and healed enough to go back to work. It's driving me crazy being home 24/7, except to take Boo to school or appointments here and there.

Tonight I have an appointment with a therapist. I'm apprehensive. I despise that I have to do this to get to a psychiatrist for a med switch.

PCOS:
Thus far I have lost roughly 15 LBS. I have an appointment with an Endocrinologist on the 30th of September (my birthday, btw lol). That was actually the first appointment I could get with this specific endo. She was highly recommended by my surgeon, so I'm going with it. GP said if the endo didn't give me metformin, he certainly would! <3 I really like him, he's a hoot.

Adoption:
Again, the more I saw the more upset I got, but now I'm realizing that once we move we can begin the process of adopting out babies from Ethiopia. There are grants and loans out there that will help us out. I'm excited to look for a new place ASAP and get on with it.

The Living with Life Part...

I really don't know what to do with him sometimes. I don't know what to do with myself, to be completely honest. I'm stuck in this God aweful rut from hell and I have to clue as to how to get out of it. Tay's being very disrespectful today. Nick has his colonoscopy tomorrow. I'm a little worried about it and would like for Tay to go to my sil's tonight, but he is making it so difficult. Now I don't love him, don't like him, hate him, at least that's what keeps telling me when I try to sit down and discuss his attitude with him. I just don't know. Then a friend of mine asked me yesterday if we'd be interested in adopting her boyfriend's two youngest sons who are now in foster care (3 and 4 years old). I told her IDK, it was shocking, and I'd have to think about, and she needs to talk to her boyfriend to see if that's what he really wants for his children. I don't even know what I'm doing with the one child I do have, who am I to take on more than that right now, or even in the future? I'm so unsure of myself right now. I just want my hubby to come home and make things better... and right now he won't be able to because of the situation he's in with his own health. Just something's gotta give...