Today is a day.

I'm feeling somewhat down. I started off the day waking up around 8AM, got up, grabbed pop tarts, plopped on the couch and watched some documentary-style television shows. I washed a few dishes (just the plates and bowls), but still I felt relatively useless. I attempted to make dinner last night, too, which DH ended up finishing because I started to get hot flashes/cold sweats again and it was getting difficult to stand or breathe. It's especially exhausting to eat, now, especially sitting up at the dinner table. Ugh. I'm already so damn tired of having to sit on my bum all day. Torward bedtime, I started a tummy ache so bad that I started whining. It was the tater cakes... too much grease. Definately will be eating healthier to appease my tumms.

Full of regret. I whole heartedly blame myself for my medical condition/s up to this point. I should've, but I didn't, go get things checked out earlier. I could've gotten BCP, a D&C, whatever would've been necessary, but I let it go for so long... now N will never truely have the opportunity to have biological children, which he does desire, but doesn't say. It's sometimes hard for me to accept that we won't have bio children, but it never meant so much before the option was taken away, and I constantly have to remind myself of that. I always wanted to adopt. I started researching when I was 17 or 18. It's always been on my mind. It's something that when DH and I even started our phone conversations we talked about... before even meeting. **You always want most what you can't have** right? Yes.

To some degree I want to be a lesson for other people, an example of what can happen if you don't take care of yourself and in a timely manner. On the other hand, I don't want to be *just* that. More than anything I want to be a mother. A good mother. A good sister. A good wife. <3

Another 3 weeks... Bummer!

I'm already finding myself super-bored. I made appointments yesterday, which made me feel useful enough. Monday follow up with GP, Aug. 11 follow up with GYN ONC, Sept 30 consultation with endo. Yup.

Still having a hard time sitting still. We ordered Netflix, which has helped a little, but I then feel like we are neglecting the most important person in our lives. I sent the boys out tonight. I think they will go to Arby's, then hitting up the park for some frisby and football. I'm staying here with hot pockets and Netflix. <3 >.>

Medical notes:
The pathology report came back from the gyn onc after they looked at the entire uterus. I was almost at stage two, with the cancer cells on the threshold of getting into the muscle. Another couple weeks and I probably would have not had much of a choice in the hyst and had to have done some chemo or radiation treatments. Unsure.

Because I kept the ovaries, I will still deal with PCOS and will still have annuals with the GYN, a visit with gyn onc every three months for who-knows-how-long. Not too bad, considering what could have been, and IMO what's a miracle that wasn't.

While hospitalized I lost 7 LBS, not quite sure how much of that was the liquid diet and how much of that was the cyst and uterus! lol You never know, that thing probably weighed a ton. I am still on hold with dietary and exercise changes because of the "recovery period". Thus, I will likely gain weight while having to lay around on my ass for the next three weeks.

Even a shower is exhausting.
No sex for at least another 5 weeks.
Ugh.

I AM READY!

Hysterectomy success!! Kept ovaries AND lymph nodes! YAY! Follow ups required, of course. :) I am so ready to get on track, eat right, exercise, get the weight off and LIVE already! I want to climb mountains and go sky diving and ride as many roller coasters as possible. I'm GOING to be stronger than this PCOS and I will not let it define me anymore.

Ok, I feel like Richard Simmons with my energy and positiveness. Enough for now.

There are a million dead babies in my uterus.

Getting more nervous about the surgery. We redid the entire apartment to make it more accessable for recovery time. That was Sunday. I was fine at work yesterday. This morning I had a lot of pain (again in that left side [that hopefully was/is radiating from the R side]) so I had to call in for fear that my manager wouldn't show up, or that the bleeding is so heavy that I'd need another transfusion. If she doesn't show up and I need to leave before she gets there, I'm screwed with my job. I really love my job, and I hate, absolutely HATE that I'm having all these problems relatively RIGHT after getting hired. It's insane, but what do you do?

Dresh is here to run the boys around today, which is good, because posting online will be the most invasive thing I do today. I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning to use the restroom because I was full of pain, dizziness, and so on. Good times, right? Bah.

Any suggestions about the surgery or bowel prep? I'm nervous probably more about the prep than anything! lol SUGGEST TO ME THINGS?

Phew whee.

Spent the weekend at sis-in-law's with friends of ours. It was nice. Still a bit of pain, still worrying, but alas, it was nice.

Dietary goals have gone the hell out the window this past week. Many things have been on my mind, and not one of them is my eating habits. Ugh. Surgery. Who will be here to help? When will they be here? What do I have to fill out for work? Will I have to take off any other days for testing? When do I need to have things filled out for work? When will I receive paperwork from Milw Co. about foster-to-adopt? Why **the hell** am I nesting? Clean. Clean. Reorganize. Clean. Clean. Wowwy Zowwy, Batman. Somehow, with all the cleaning I WANT to do, only about a fourth of it am I capable of... which is the REAL kicker right now. Grrr.

I got the EKG and chest Xray finished today, though, so progress. Also left a message with the head nurse for my surgeon requesting a letter for my HR department... again, progress.

Mugglefest this weekend with the same friends. This should be really fun!! <3 I think we'll leave Saturday and come back Sunday, just a day, but it's better than coming home to a wreck again. I really hated that.

I'm wondering if I'll need an Endocrinologist after this surgery. Also wondering about having a Urologist come and put my thingy in a slingy. At least that was a suggestion from someone. They said your bladder? could shift... or something. IDK. Either way. Let my aunt know what was going on so she could relay the message to my father. I guess he's "homeless" right now, living at her house in Wedgefield. Who knows. I'm also wondering if I could get my insurance to cover weight loss surgery at this point. Again, who knows.

My goal for the remainder of the week: Refocus.

So much to chew on.

Weight loss goals are on hold.
YMCA membership is on hold.

I'm having  a hysterectomy! The news isn't great, but we'll work with it. Other treatment options aren't for us, and yes, surgery is scary, but the side effects and lengthy other options are far worse, in my opinion. I will continue to make daily dietary goals as well as exercise goals, but I won't hold myself to them as strictly considering everything going on right now. Well, not the exercise goals, anyway.

Last night I prayed that God give me some resolve, and maybe try to help me be comfortable with my decision or if I needed to, to change my mind. My answer came in the form of waking up in a mess of myself with heavy cramping. I really think this, in some form, answered that prayer, and made me realize that I can not continue down this path. I don't think this is the path that God has laid for me (to go through all this pain and do nothing about it). I truely believe that God gave us the capacity to do something about some illnesses, with or without the complications.

The hysterectomy has been scheduled for July 18th at 730AM. The day before will be hell, and some days leading up to the surgery may also be difficult, but I will get there, and I believe, truely, honestly believe that this will be one of the best decisions of my life.

DH and I will be revisiting the idea of foster to adopt once I recover and get back on my/our feet. The issue of fertility is not bothersome to me, as it's never been as important to me to have biological children as just having children. What is annoying is that there's a process to adoption. I can't just be one of the fertile myrtles, get pregnant and have a child within 9 months. We have paper work, waiting, and so forth. We will get there.