Come alive, come alive, come alive, come aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive

Unfortunately I heard that song today on the ride home from the laundromat. At this point I'm still struggling with the death of my uterus, and news I got didn't help very much. I wish I could change things. More than that, I guess I'd say I wish I could have changed things before I knew what I now know. I should stop looking at facebook completely. It's so cursed depressing. Seeing other peoples' kids knowing how hard it's going to be for us. How much leading up it HAS to be. They take it all for granted. People who don't know what it's like. The just take it for granted.

Lyrics:
Foo Fighters
"Come Alive"

Seems like only yesterday
Life belong to runaways
Nothing here to see, no looking back
Every sound monotone
Every color monocrome
Life begin to fade into the black
Such a simple animal
Steralized with alcohol
I could hardly feel me anymore

Desperate, meaningless
All filled up with emptiness
Felt like everything was said and done

I lay there in the dark, I close my eyes
You saved me the day you came alive

Still I try to find my way
Spending hours, endin' days
Burning like a flame behind my eyes
Drown in out, drink it in
Crown the king of suffering
Prisoner, slave 'til in the skies
Disappeared the only thing
Bittersweet surrendering

Knew that it was time to say goodbye

I lay there in the dark and I close my eyes
You saved me the day that you came alive
The reason you left me to survive
You saved me the day you came alive

Come Alive [x33]

I lay there in the dark and I close my eyes
You saved me the day that you came alive

Come Alive [x15]

Nothing more to give
I can finally come alive
Your life into me
I can finally breathe
Come alive

I lay there in the dark
Open my eyes
You saved me the day that you came alive

Come Alive [x11]

Another day in the life.

There are millions of people in the world. Everyone doing something. How many people do you think are doing the exact thing I am at this very moment? Enjoying a square, updating some cheap blog via web that few people will take interest in. Strange thing, really. I'm doubting there's anything left undone. Somewhat upsetting, but to a degree it makes me realize how alike we all are; even though I can not stand "normal" people.

I miss Kevin. He's extraordinarily original. I hope they bring him tomorrow. Can't wait to see Caitlyn, even though she bombed on the birthday shindig. Wonder who else will tag along. It's always a mystery.

The rats are running the wheel making a subtle sound. Didn't let the ferrets out tonight; my shoulder is killing me, N is tired. It was a long day. Lots of icy hot for this old lady.

"All ya gotta do is, baby, kick off your shoes and lay down."

I think, for the majority, I've given up. Fighting PCOS, recovering fully from this hysterectomy emotionally, being the person I want to be instead of the person I am. I have no idea where I am or where I'm supose to go, so I'm just at a stand still waiting for something to happen. Hoping that something will happen that will push me in some direction. It seems like I've been fighting a lot in the past several years and now I'm just tired, I want to lie down, take a break from being so grown-up and attempting to find my own path, my own way. "Remember what they say, there's no shortcut to a dream, it's all blood and sweat and life is what you manage in between." I think that says it best. I'm not sure how, but it is. I'm just so tired.

Underlined.

I'm wondering what it is that God has planned for me, if anything at all. The last week has been especially hard. Thinking about how much I've always wanted a large family and now not being able to have that. Physically and financially we cannot reproduce. Everything seems so unfair. Some can procreate like bunnies and we're left as potentially wonderful parents without children. I just want to know what I've done wrong. Or who I've wronged to deserve this horrible longing, knowing there's no light at the end of this journey. Will we forever be childless? I want to go back to bed and not feel anything. Sleep there until I wake up in some dream world where I have what I want. I can't stand this feeling. Longing. Wanting. Everything is so far away. There are no answers. No easy ones. No hard ones. Just no answers. How is that possible? What the hell am I doing? 

Adoption, manic, boredom, stress, sadness, insanity.

Life:
Hubby and I received the papers from the county to become foster/adoptive parents on Friday. This really threw me into ME NEED BABY mode... Especially from Ethiopia. I kept doing research, as I have since I was 17, and the more I found, the more I got upset and just saddened by the fact that we are struggling financially, we don't own a home... hell, I can't even work right now. Not only that, but I'm having issues with my manic depression and meds. What a great time to introduce a new child to the family? No. Sigh. What I really need right now is to be strong enough and healed enough to go back to work. It's driving me crazy being home 24/7, except to take Boo to school or appointments here and there.

Tonight I have an appointment with a therapist. I'm apprehensive. I despise that I have to do this to get to a psychiatrist for a med switch.

PCOS:
Thus far I have lost roughly 15 LBS. I have an appointment with an Endocrinologist on the 30th of September (my birthday, btw lol). That was actually the first appointment I could get with this specific endo. She was highly recommended by my surgeon, so I'm going with it. GP said if the endo didn't give me metformin, he certainly would! <3 I really like him, he's a hoot.

Adoption:
Again, the more I saw the more upset I got, but now I'm realizing that once we move we can begin the process of adopting out babies from Ethiopia. There are grants and loans out there that will help us out. I'm excited to look for a new place ASAP and get on with it.

The Living with Life Part...

I really don't know what to do with him sometimes. I don't know what to do with myself, to be completely honest. I'm stuck in this God aweful rut from hell and I have to clue as to how to get out of it. Tay's being very disrespectful today. Nick has his colonoscopy tomorrow. I'm a little worried about it and would like for Tay to go to my sil's tonight, but he is making it so difficult. Now I don't love him, don't like him, hate him, at least that's what keeps telling me when I try to sit down and discuss his attitude with him. I just don't know. Then a friend of mine asked me yesterday if we'd be interested in adopting her boyfriend's two youngest sons who are now in foster care (3 and 4 years old). I told her IDK, it was shocking, and I'd have to think about, and she needs to talk to her boyfriend to see if that's what he really wants for his children. I don't even know what I'm doing with the one child I do have, who am I to take on more than that right now, or even in the future? I'm so unsure of myself right now. I just want my hubby to come home and make things better... and right now he won't be able to because of the situation he's in with his own health. Just something's gotta give...

Today is a day.

I'm feeling somewhat down. I started off the day waking up around 8AM, got up, grabbed pop tarts, plopped on the couch and watched some documentary-style television shows. I washed a few dishes (just the plates and bowls), but still I felt relatively useless. I attempted to make dinner last night, too, which DH ended up finishing because I started to get hot flashes/cold sweats again and it was getting difficult to stand or breathe. It's especially exhausting to eat, now, especially sitting up at the dinner table. Ugh. I'm already so damn tired of having to sit on my bum all day. Torward bedtime, I started a tummy ache so bad that I started whining. It was the tater cakes... too much grease. Definately will be eating healthier to appease my tumms.

Full of regret. I whole heartedly blame myself for my medical condition/s up to this point. I should've, but I didn't, go get things checked out earlier. I could've gotten BCP, a D&C, whatever would've been necessary, but I let it go for so long... now N will never truely have the opportunity to have biological children, which he does desire, but doesn't say. It's sometimes hard for me to accept that we won't have bio children, but it never meant so much before the option was taken away, and I constantly have to remind myself of that. I always wanted to adopt. I started researching when I was 17 or 18. It's always been on my mind. It's something that when DH and I even started our phone conversations we talked about... before even meeting. **You always want most what you can't have** right? Yes.

To some degree I want to be a lesson for other people, an example of what can happen if you don't take care of yourself and in a timely manner. On the other hand, I don't want to be *just* that. More than anything I want to be a mother. A good mother. A good sister. A good wife. <3